Memories
by thesmile
Summary: A clash of the remembering the past and accepting the future, Memories is a slightly romantic tragedy based on the end of James and Lily Potter. Rated T as a precaution.


**Comments/Disclaimer- I think it's obvious that I don't own Harry Potter. Or James and Lily (although James has taken the liberty of annexing at least a third of my brain for his own purposes). Review if you must, but be respectful and make criticisms constructive. x) Flames are rude. -nods- And I will ignore them, as this is just a temporary home for my work due to a technology glich and an opportunity to keep it safe. **

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_So dreary it was, this hall of memories, memories that should have pleased the simple mind but only seemed to trouble it even more. Torture had a new name, and it held the face of looming death, threatening the very life that he fought for even in his dreams. A long hallway, this death, dreary, gray, and cold- so cold that he could see his breath. _

_And quiet. _

_There were doors. So many doors. His bare feet padded listlessly down the hall, his eyes, a stark hazel ice in the dim shadows surrounding him, darted from knob to knob, before he reached out, touched one…_

_Light- flashing so brightly as to blind him, and then…_

…………………………

The darkness of the room around him seemed to match that of his dream, and after a gentle stir and soft parting of his lips, it seemed that he was at peace once again.

But he wasn't. The dreams that he had experienced as of late did not comfort him, provide him with any sort of relief from the constant fear that haunted his every footstep in a world so overtaken by evil. It was in this that James felt alone, consumed in the horrible reality that each day, each hour, each minute could be his last with those he loved, in this life that he had taken for granted barely three years before. Hogwarts. His freedom. And that freedom no longer existed in the mind of the once mischievous little boy, now a man, carrying burdens that neither muggle nor wizard deserved to bear.

…………………………

_Lily smiled at him in that elegant way of hers, the room oddly silent, but not awkwardly. James glanced around his little apartment, frightened, unsure, and yet resolved. In love. Their eyes finally locked, and he smiled back, just a corner of his mouth curling into the remnants of his usual cheery smirk. She crossed her arms and moved more closely to him. _

"_What is it that you're thinking about, James?" It was more of a question to herself than to him, as she looked at him searchingly, those vibrant green eyes seeking something deep within him, displayed through his breathing, his action, his expression. _

_As she walked behind him, he took a deep breath, insecurities that he had never before felt smacking him in the face, insecurities traced only to the fact that Lily Evans was perfect, in every way possible. For once in his life, he felt inadequate. But he had waited nearly a year and a half for a time that he felt was right, fought fear after fear, battle after battle for the Order or otherwise. And it was time to make a decision. _

_Turning on a dime, he reached out to her, and she came to him, hands in his hair as he kissed her. And he answered her question. "You, Lily. I can't stop thinking about you." It was murmured almost frantically into her mouth before they fell into a tight hug. Her nose nuzzled into his chest, and he felt her smile. _

"_I love you, James Potter. So much."_

"_Then marry me."_

_The words he had planned to say so poetically tumbled from his mouth before he could catch them, make them beautiful. But the expression on her face as she stared at him in fascinated shock was almost worth it. Her hands ran over his chest, reaching up to cup his face, as though testing if he was still there as she took a step back. And then, a tear…_

_He felt his heart twist painfully. She was…crying? But-_

"_James, I-"_

"_Lily, please. Hear me out." He took her hands and kissed the fingertips, pulling her close to him, whispering gently, as thought that alone would calm her. She stared at him with those bright irises and he felt himself choke with love and fear in the same instant, the instant that he spoke. "If I am to spend my life escaping death…" He swallowed, hope welling in small form inside of him. "I want nothing more than to spend my life escaping death with you."_

_Her lips trembled, and in an instant she had pulled his mouth back to hers, one word murmured before the kiss began. _

"_Yes…"_

…………………………

In the darkness of the master bedroom, James' form, lit dimly by the moon now free of clouds beyond the glass of his window, trembled. The young woman curled against him seemed to stir as well, but she did not find rest again. Stretching in an almost cat-like manner, the shadow of a hand shifted under the sheet to slide up the bare chest of her husband, and she kissed the skin of his shoulder before he trembled again.

Pulling herself to her elbow, suddenly alarmed, she ran a thumb over his chin, down his jaw line. "James."

He unconsciously grimaced, the pain that this memory brought him in the face of such fear overcoming the joy of the occasion. Concerned, Lily Potter bit her lip before shaking him gently. "James, it's only a dream."

It was his turn to awaken, now, with her calm words of comfort. His eyes slit open, the circles beneath them apparent. He hadn't slept soundly in far too long, but he wasn't the only one. Turning his head to glance at Lily, he smiled weakly, the circles under her own eyes far too apparent for a pair so young. Reaching out and cradling her face, he gave her a gentle kiss. "I'm fine, love."

"You were trembling." She ran a hand up and down his arm, as though he was cold, and staring into her eyes, he felt his mind wander away…

…………………………

_His heart was in his throat. Literally, in his throat. He felt so suffocated, in his tux, the tie so tight around his neck, nerves pounding in his temple as his best friend stood inches from him, smiling at his absolute terror that she wouldn't come. _

"_These things don't happen in seconds, Prongs." A poke into his back brought his mind from Sirius' words as the church swelled with notes of an aged organ, and heads turned to the door as Lily Evans began her walk down the isle. _

_He couldn't take his eyes off of her. _

_It was in that instant that he knew he was completely unworthy, so in love and helpless to the power of her very presence that it was as though the James that none could control had finally been tamed. His eyes stayed with hers as she joined him at the alter, their hands clasping. And, smiling, she spoke quietly to him. _

"_James, don't look so terrified. I'm here. I'll always be here."_

_Perhaps she was jesting, but to James, those words were quite possibly the most valuable thing she could have said. As 'I do's' were exchanged and promises were made, it occurred to him in one final instant that she was forever his, even in the death he so feared would be the catalyst for eternity. _

………………………………

Squeezing his eyes shut to push the dream away and opening them again to look into her eyes, so beautiful and yet so aged by the terror and stress they lived with, now that the Dark Lord stalked them so vehemently, he felt, for the one of the few times in his short life, that it was too much. As a tear, one of a kind so rarely seen, slid down his cheek, siblings welling in his eyes so darkened by his pain, he buried his face in her chest, the sheets covering her soaking up most of the waterfall of emotion now spilling forth from his heart. A heaving sob rattled him as Lily held him in shock, her fingers running through the ruff of hair, down his back, her voice murmuring soft assurances of love, although he knew full well that she was also doubtful of their very existence.

Kissing her collarbone, her neck, her lips, only to let her hold him again as he cried seemed only to remind him of all the things that could have been his last the day before- simple things such as breakfast, a walk in the cool breeze of autumn, and then more important things- watching his baby boy smile at him, making love to Lily only the night before. This last thought alone only seemed to make him hold her more tightly to him as he fell once again into emotional turmoil.

……………………………

"_He's after you."_

_James' face paled suddenly and he reached behind him, searching for Lily's hand, which touched and clamped within his, ice cold skin prickling up his arm as her frigid form pressed fearfully against him. _

"_He's…" His voice failed him, and that luminescence, that final trace of hope in his eyes seemed to suddenly extinguish as the realization of Dumbledore's words hit him head on. "We can't escape him, we'll…"_

_He couldn't say it, and from the way Lily's hand was slowly cutting off his circulation, she couldn't either. Die. So close, and yet so far away…_

"_There is a way we can hide you, James. It's called the Fidelus Charm. I'm sure that you, Lily, know what I speak of."_

_James turned to watch as she nodded slowly. _

"_But you must choose a secret keeper. I, for one, volunteer."_

_His heart was dropping from his chest, the words of his former Headmaster and eternal mentor bouncing rapidly about in his head, his heart constricting painfully. James' thoughts were interrupted, however, but the voice of Sirius. His best friend. His brother. How he missed that faith they had kept in one another…_

"_I'll do it."_

_Pushing away all of his terror, his face hardening in resolution, and his eyes still displaying the secret horror held deep within, he surveyed Sirius slowly. He could feel the doubt pushing at the walls of his mind, the reminders of their lack of time spent together for so long, Sirius' lineage, his own habitual anger, and perhaps fear, with his dark heritage. It flickered in his eyes for a moment- he knew, because he could see Sirius' faint reaction as lines of hurt stretched past his eyes. After a glance at Lily, he turned back, his eyes locking with those of his closest friend. _

"_Alright."_

…………………………

As the dream faded, that same resolution seemed to blanket him. His tears began to dry, his hold loosen, but he still didn't let her go, afraid that if he did, he would never hold her again. This was what he had given for the Order, his life. And if it was to be taken literally, then so be it.

Pulling his head back, brushing a tendril from her face and kissing her gently, he tried to smile but only mustered the smallest of a turn on the corner of his mouth. It was then that he heard Harry.

Both of them perked immediately as parents do when their child is distressed. Lily smiled comfortingly, slid gently from his grasp and pulling on one of his large button-ups as well as a comfortable pair of pants, then padded from the room, down the hall to their little boy. James watched her go only to be enveloped yet again in a memory…

…………………………

_"James, I need to talk to you."_

_He was immediately alerted by the silence of her entrance to the kitchen, her solemn tone, and the gleam of mournful joy in her eyes as she stared at him, her face split between sadness and happiness. James pushed his glasses up his nose before putting down the orders he had been scanning to move around the bar slowly, as thought being cautious of the outcome of her expression._

_"What is it?"_

_She smiled, and choked back a sob in the same instant, putting her face in her hands and murmuring one of the most bittersweet phrases he had ever heard in his life._

_"James, I'm pregnant."_

_A child of their own, it was all they had wanted, really. But the Order, and now, their lives, at stake…what was to be done? They had not planned for this, tried to prevent it, although half-heartedly…and they would pay dearly for it. To have their one love, they would carry the incredible burden and fear that everything they now perpetrated from that day forward would make them responsible for a life other than their own. And to leave it without parents, if something were to happen?_

_All James could do was hold Lily, who represented the small sliver of hope he still held within him. The hope that, somehow, this would all be okay…that everything he feared deep within him would become, one day, non-existent._

…………………………

He shook himself awake once again, this one in particular stabbing his heart as Harry's cries softened from the room beyond. Finding his glasses, pulling on a pair of flannels and wrapping his robe, which carried his wand, about him, he, too, left the room, until he arrived in that of his son.

Lily was rocking him in the corner, talking to him in the gentle way that only mothers can, his big emerald eyes staring at her as thought she was the most important thing in the world. Harry was fifteen months old, a year, now, and they still cradled him, treated him as their most precious treasure- this was what he was. He smiled gently as she looked up at him, and he fussed slightly but didn't cry, his tiny fingers clinging to hers as though he couldn't possibly let her go. James trailed across the room to stand above them, and crouched, kissed the head of unruly black hair adoringly, stroking it as Lily spoke.

"Will you get me his bottle?" He nodded at her and gave her a kiss as he stood, a knot gripping him as he remembered to treasure every moment. Taking one final glance at his wife and son, he left the room, moved down the stairs to retrieve what it was that Lily had asked for, his mind falling into a trap once again…

……………………………

"_James, come here. Just look at him."_

_The contentment in her voice the smile on her face- it almost reminded him of the days before they had been afraid. He smiled gently to see her in such a way, and then reached out to touch the head of thick black hair peering from the bundle of blankets in Lily's arms. His son's eyes opened, their dark pupils already showing signs of the green they would become, then squeezed shut again in a yawn as Lily handed him to James. _

_The baby boy fisted his hands together and gurgled slightly as he attempted to fall asleep, but the lack of action did not cause James to be any less entranced. _

"_Harry."_

_James smiled as Lily repeated the name she had been hooked on for months. _

"_Harry James Potter."_

_She smiled even more widely as he looked up at her and spoke. "Our son." _

_Lily only nodded as James joined her, sitting on the edge of her bed. The two of them were entranced by the miracle placed in their lives, and for the first time in months, James himself felt as though everything would, one day, be right again. _

………………………………

The bottle was where it usually was, perched on a shelf in the fridge, previously prepared by Lily in her constant attempt to be organized and precise. He heated it for a moment before clasping it in his hand and leaving the kitchen to travel through the living room, up the stairs, back to the family he valued so much.

It was then that he heard it. A twig, cracking, perhaps, wind in the leaves, a raspy breath. James shook it off immediately- he had been hearing such things since Dumbledore's warning, and this explained why he now carried his wand with him constantly. But his gut didn't seem to believe his assurances that it was nothing. Ignoring the fear sinking fast in his stomach, he was nearly to the foot of the stairs when he heard it again.

Crack.

Grimacing, feeling a surge of impossible sadness and terror, he sat the bottle down on one of the steps and pulled out his wand, moving gently in the direction of the front door.

No, not now. Had Peter fallen to Voldemort? Had Sirius been mistaken? Surely, not now, not here…

But the low, dark chuckle that he heard from the other side of his door, the power he felt as it blew open-

Voldemort.

The wizard that evoked such horror in the minds of so many was standing in his doorway. Death was here to greet him. And he would meet it. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion- James glancing back at the sudden realization that Lily was on the stairs, the Dark Lord stepping through the door, hanging off of one creaking hinge, the laugh…oh, that laugh.

It suddenly hit him that this was happening. And it was happening now.

Lily cried out to him, but he didn't dare look at her, only shouted as Voldemort advanced into their home. "Lily, take Harry and go!"

He didn't see that she was frozen. That she couldn't move, couldn't leave him in the room with the man that had killed so many, that wanted to kill them. But the battle had already begun. Spells flying all over, everything breaking, Harry wailing, Lily screaming, all of these things and more clouded James' head, pushing with them the memories that had haunted him. But they meant nothing to him. Not as he dodged Sectumsempra, a montage of other spells, the torture before the death, as Voldemort's cackle echoed in his ears.

James rolled, shot a spell, and dodged shards of a vase as it was destroyed. He dived out of the way of the roof, which was beginning to collapse. And then he saw her, still standing on the stairs, and Expelliarmus hit him, knocking his wand out of his reach.

Crucio rocked him with such force that he couldn't breath. The pain was all over him, as was the evil laughter in his head. His head was splitting, every inch of his skin was burning, alive with fire, he felt his fingers dig into his scalp as he unconsciously tried to rip himself to pieces, make the pain stop…

It only last for maybe ten seconds, the Dark Lord cackling darkly as James writhed on the floor. Lily took a few steps backward before James' cried out as the spell was lifted, and in that final instant, their eyes locked, tears streaming down her face, his still contorted, before she turned and ran for Harry's room.

………………………….

"_Lily, I love you. Harry, I love you. _

_Sirius….you didn't…but I forgive you. _

_Don't forget me."_

…………………………..

"Avada Kedavra!"

James' eyes turned just in time from Lily to see the wand, hear the shout- but in seconds the green light had ripped through him, every muscle in his body freezing in death, the life in his eyes fading from existence as his limp figure fell to the floor, a part of the rubble beneath him. And James Potter found himself without the one thing that he was terrified of losing, but bravely gave- life.


End file.
